New Year's Cliche

Hi there. Happy new year! 2012 (which, coincidentally, is the number of page views this blog had last year). As A said, "I can't wait to see what will happen on December 21 this year!" I am still having a hard time remembering we're in the '00's instead of the '90's. Yikes.

The close of a year typically brings nostalgia and reflection for me, but this year it was all about looking ahead and being thankful for the huge changes we made in our lives in 2011. Last year we:

both quit our jobs,
I got a new job,
then added another job,
Josh started a few companies,
Josh got a new job,
we became proctor parents,
we are renting a 106 year old farm house that I LOVE,

and I practiced trust (others and myself) and allowed myself to settle (I literally forget to breathe on a regular basis).

Maybe it's cheesy, but most of the years of my life have a word or two attached to them in my mind. 2009 = growth, 2010 = risk, 2011 = trust and settle, 2012 = truth.

Truth here means speaking truth and hearing truth. I'd much rather avoid conflict and practice apathy than speak and hear truth. The truth sucks- it's difficult, embarrassing, and often unwanted. But, it's also true. It's time to challenge myself to be more kind through honesty, whether it's expressing my love and appreciation for someone or setting boundaries or engaging in difficult conversation.

Do you ever notice themes in your life?
What are your hopes for 2012?

Thankful

Contentment is a rare feeling for me, but I find that if I focus on being thankful contentment usually follows. We are two to three weeks out with getting our proctor kids, and I am incredibly thankful for the support we've already received from our friends and family. This whole thing would be much more daunting if we were trying to do it alone.

Another thing I am thankful for is artists who are able to express truth and meaning when I am not. Change is hard, and art is a comfort to me. Last night I read "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf". I loved this book, and Ntozake Shange's ability to put words to complex experiences creates a connection with the reader on an intuitive, emotional, and very real level.

Here's one of the poems, "One Thing I Don't Need/Sorry":

one thing i don’t need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i don’t know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry

i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important toyou
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla the sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called
to say yr sorry
call somebody
else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/ didnt meanta/ & how could i know about that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/ i’m gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself